I don't know what I expected...

There has been something on my mind for the past few days and since it's my new thing to share it with maybe the 2 or 3 people that may actually read this thing, I thought I would write about it.

I recently stopped biting my fingers. I have been biting them for as long as I can remember. My fingers have looked repulsive for at least the past 18-20 years. I would bite the skin and nails until they bled. Fingers so raw, I could feel the sting with everything I touched, everything I did. It helped me through tragedies, trivial disagreements, tests, quizzes, and principal's offices. If it were smoking, I would almost be guaranteed cancer by now or at least emphysema. Anyway. Biting my fingers shouldn't have any serious, long term effects on my life now that I quit... I'll just have to find another way to vent. and they say you don't quit habits, but replace them. So I wasn't sure what to expect when I stopped and I did just that, stopped. Abrupt. Precipitous. Cold-turkey. I said, this is a revelation! I have will power! Self-control! I will be a brand new person! Achieve great things!

Have you ever taken for granted the things in life you once worked so hard to achieve? Things you hoped so bad would make you different? Make you better? Remember how you felt when you got your license? Graduated high school? Graduated college? Have you ever been so excited (distracted?), so driven by "wow life would be great if I could just (insert goal here)," that the result turned out to be fleeting? Transient? Short-lived? Nonexistent? How long had you toiled to reach this point? What sacrifices were made? Regrets? Having achieved your objective, you jump into your new life only to become numb. Desensitized in your post-achievement, dream-realized world to ever retain your pre-achievement ambition and excitement. Disillusioned. You complain about gas prices. Realize your high school diploma never got you very far and a college degree is becoming less-special, as well. I can see the prints on my fingertips for the first time in probably close to two decades. They don't bleed or hurt anymore, but look nice and clean and yet, no one notices. I forget how ugly they once were, but things don't seem to be as rewarding as I had dreamed they'd be. But what was honestly expected? I still complain about bills, my job, and my insecurities. Training for 25 years and still not making a difference.


I am almost positive next year will feel this way for me.
I incessantly tap my fingers and grind my teeth, too...

I can feel my arteries beginning to clog.

I come from a family of heart health risks. Hypertension, myocardial infarction, angina, diabetes.

I am presently eating HUNKS of cheese (smoked gouda, cheddar) as part of my din tonight. Cheese is one of those disguised killers. It looks and tastes harmless, better, it tastes almost like it should be good for you. Unfortunately its one of todays finalists in the category of "shit that clogs your blood vessels." Nothing really gives it away as being unhealthy, I mean of course it tastes great so that should be the first red flag, but when i think unhealthy i think greasy (french fries), stinky (smoking), intoxicating (alcohol). In my simple mind the only inkling of my arteries clogging is the choking feeling I get from trying to get a quarter-pound of pepperjack down my throat. For whatever reason I associate its slow movement down my esophagus to the way my arteries might soon feel... not sure that makes much sense.

So im stuffing gobs of cheese down my craw, feeling kinda sick, listening to deathcab and ra ra riot (these are my favorite musics right now). I have been looking up ways to volunteer myself on the innernette now that I have free time and nothing to do. Unfortunately, and though it makes sense, every site I check out has a search engine which allows you to type your interests and search your area. Well, my interests are animals, or at least thats what i know, but I don't want to work in rescuing animals WITH those crazy save the animals people, in fact i would rather work in saving the animals FROM the crazy animal people. Secondedly, Baton Rouge sucks and why would i want to start a volunteer project when i know im going to be leaving here in a month. I want to discover something small that is new and developing but has good roots so that I can help it grow. I was on the TOMS website before. Helping them out seems like it might be really cool, but its becoming so mainstream, which I guess is fine, but that means they have plenty of help and support. I want to look for something new, like TOMS shoes 3 years ago...
I just want to help in doing something important.

"be well, do good work, and keep in touch"